Satanic Peeps
(they're sinfully delicious)
I have just consumed a satanic peep.
Everyone knows peeps, those yellow (or sometimes pink) bird things that you find starting at you - disturbingly - out of your Easter basket, expressionless but ever-watchful, continuing to monitor your every move until you simply can't take it anymore and you eat them to end the madness. This, however, is their plan, because peeps consist of 99 parts sugar and 1 part liquified heroin, and eating just one can cause a raging sugar high like none the world has seen since Josta was legal. (Which wasn't for long, not surprising considering it actually boasted of containing camel extract.) As a general rule, I only eat peeps on extremely rare occasions, i.e. Easter. That's it.
But today the world turned upside down. Sitting in 10 South at work today was a satanic peep.
It had friends. There were five of them, still attached to each other, looking like normal peeps. Only these peeps were deep, dark red, blood red, hell red, and their normally watchful gaze looked decidedly sinister, as if they were watching you, knowing it was only a matter of time when you would be on their turf (Hell), attached to all your friends, wherein giant Peeps would come and pull you apart and gobble you up on Easter.
All of this flashed through my mind instantly, which is why I stopped short and said aloud, "Good Lord, it's a satanic Peep."
This kicked off a massive discussion, wherein everyone agreed that these were by far the most frightening peeps anyone had ever seen. No one wanted to eat one, but no one could bear them just sitting there, watching everyone. Four hearty souls, such as myself, took it upon themselves to gobble down a satanic Peep apiece. I bit into the satanic peep, expecting a scream or perhaps a laugh. There was neither. But it was sinfully delicious.
I say four people took a Peep. There were five to start out, so now one was left, daring anyone to come near and seal their fate. No one wanted to eat it, and definitely no one was having a second (I already felt like taking a dainty five-mile run). But no one could bare it watching us for the rest of the day.
So we cut its head off.
Really. We sawed off the head with a knife, and left it decapitated in the middle of the wing. For the rest of the day, other people would come into our wing (presumably with an IT question), and you would hear exclamations of "My God!" or people breaking into nervous laughter, wondering if they should be witnessing such an R-rated event in the workplace.
On a completely unrelated note, "The Satanic Peeps" would be a FANTASTIC name for a band.
I have just consumed a satanic peep.
Everyone knows peeps, those yellow (or sometimes pink) bird things that you find starting at you - disturbingly - out of your Easter basket, expressionless but ever-watchful, continuing to monitor your every move until you simply can't take it anymore and you eat them to end the madness. This, however, is their plan, because peeps consist of 99 parts sugar and 1 part liquified heroin, and eating just one can cause a raging sugar high like none the world has seen since Josta was legal. (Which wasn't for long, not surprising considering it actually boasted of containing camel extract.) As a general rule, I only eat peeps on extremely rare occasions, i.e. Easter. That's it.
But today the world turned upside down. Sitting in 10 South at work today was a satanic peep.
It had friends. There were five of them, still attached to each other, looking like normal peeps. Only these peeps were deep, dark red, blood red, hell red, and their normally watchful gaze looked decidedly sinister, as if they were watching you, knowing it was only a matter of time when you would be on their turf (Hell), attached to all your friends, wherein giant Peeps would come and pull you apart and gobble you up on Easter.
All of this flashed through my mind instantly, which is why I stopped short and said aloud, "Good Lord, it's a satanic Peep."
This kicked off a massive discussion, wherein everyone agreed that these were by far the most frightening peeps anyone had ever seen. No one wanted to eat one, but no one could bear them just sitting there, watching everyone. Four hearty souls, such as myself, took it upon themselves to gobble down a satanic Peep apiece. I bit into the satanic peep, expecting a scream or perhaps a laugh. There was neither. But it was sinfully delicious.
I say four people took a Peep. There were five to start out, so now one was left, daring anyone to come near and seal their fate. No one wanted to eat it, and definitely no one was having a second (I already felt like taking a dainty five-mile run). But no one could bare it watching us for the rest of the day.
So we cut its head off.
Really. We sawed off the head with a knife, and left it decapitated in the middle of the wing. For the rest of the day, other people would come into our wing (presumably with an IT question), and you would hear exclamations of "My God!" or people breaking into nervous laughter, wondering if they should be witnessing such an R-rated event in the workplace.
On a completely unrelated note, "The Satanic Peeps" would be a FANTASTIC name for a band.
posted by Mat | 11:11 AM
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