An Offer
(still treasured)
"I can make it worth your while."
We were alone, and the words seemed to reverberate in the air. I stared at her, disbelieving.
It had been her party, and it had been a good one - catching up with old friends, hanging out with current ones, in general having a good time. It was getting late, and the party was given an official end (as opposed to some others which just sort of peter out without proclamation). People got their coats and hats. I went to get mine, but she touched my hand, and whispered in my ear.
"Wait."
She said her goodbyes to people, thanking them for coming. A few asked if I was coming out, and unsure of how to reply, I said I would be following shortly. This seemed to satisfy them. She closed the door behind them after the last one left, and sat on the other side of the couch, facing me.
She said she wanted to be able to enjoy ourselves. I knew just what she meant. We had only been together on one occasion, in the past, and while very pleasant, it had not been overly serious. But now... we were alone, and had no obligations. She reminded me that this would be the last opportunity for... days? Weeks? Months? Years? Forever? This was a turning point in her life, before she went on to hopefully bigger and better things. If there was ever a night I could enjoy myself without reservation for the future, this was it.
Something went through me, a twinge of... what? Caution? Excitement? I wasn't sure. I was free to enjoy myself, as I was under no obligations at the time, had the freedom to enjoy the whole night if I wanted, to any extent I wanted, to the very limits of my private morality. So where was this hesitation coming from? Something... somewhere. I hesitated. "I should probably go."
She leaned slightly forward, staring at me with her deep eyes, and said it.
"I can make it worth your while."
Unbelievable. It was like something out of a book, a movie. She watched me, unblinking, her beautiful hair going down her back as she breathlessly awaited my reply. Clearly she was very serious. I was suddenly very aware of the cut of her dress. She always had been very pretty. Intentionally or not, she was using every ounce of her sexuality now.
How many men - or women - would go through their entire lives without an offer like this? In a scenario tailor-made for one night of enjoyment, to let all inhibitions go and simply enjoy the pure carnality? That one time, in the past, had been semi-spontaneous, a thoroughly enjoyable, if milder, experience. This was laden with much more suggestive promises. A much wilder experience.
Why would I pass that up?
And yet... I thought of Barbara. How sweet, how pure a soul. Of all people, she deserved a friendship first. And yet we both got caught up in the physical aspect - the weaker aspect. Nothing we did was wrong, nothing we did was incorrect... and yet, somehow, I found myself thinking afterwards how I wished our last moments had been on a walk. Or a bench. Or a good conversation.
Why was I thinking of this now?
She put her hand on my thigh. "You can do what you want to."
That also made my head reel. I was being seduced! And not in a bad way - it was obvious she wanted this for herself, and me. She wanted to enjoy one last night. Was that wrong? I in particular react quite favorably to that idea. Why then was I hesitating? That very hesitiation was hurting her. I could see it in her eyes.
But still I thought. We were both silent for what seemed like ages.
With a sudden shock, I knew what the feeling in my stomach was, the confused/excited/sad/intrigued feeling that I couldn't place. Or to be more specific, I still didn't know what it was - but I knew what the last time I felt it had been. That had been in a car with a friend, on the gravel to the side of the street, outside a house at 1:30 AM on a cold October night long, long ago. That night, for better or worse, I had to make a decision. I didn't know it at the time, but it was a life-changing one. How different would my life be if I had chosen the other path? I would never know. But I will never forget that feeling I had in the car that night.
I was now feeling it for the second time.
I told her to wait, that I had to think. For whatever reason, this decision I was about to make was life-changing. This was momentous. And worst of all, there was no wrong answer, no right answer. Just like last time. This wasn't about resisting temptation. Just like last time - just like that cold October night that I have thought about for years and years afterwards - there was no right decision. But last time, the way I chose was wrong. It hurt my friend. I felt that pain for a long time.
So I had to choose right this time. Not make the right decision... but make whatever decision I made in the right way.
And I had it.
"Thank you so much for the offer," I said as sincerely as I could possibly manage. "It is deeply, truly appreciated. You are beautiful, and sexy." I meant every word. To enjoy her would be divine. "But I should probably go."
I got my hat and coat. I gave her a hug, a powerful ending compared to what might have been shared. And I walked out into the cold night. The time had to be around 1:30.
It still hurt her, I know. It is a brave thing, to offer yourself freely like that - and to have that turned down, regardless of the reason, is painful. To her credit, I have not been able to forget about that offer since. Those eyes, that hair... I get chills now. I often wonder what it would have been like, to enjoy a woman like that.
But, to my surprise, I felt happy. That I had the chance to have a night of wild passion... and turned it down, for no more reason than I didn't want to cheapen our friendship. I proved that I could put values above sex, even when it wasn't required. I felt like I had proven my worth. Even though I proved it only to myself. And suddenly, I felt better about Barbara as well, mentally wishing her the best from afar. I felt happy.
And now, years later, I called upon that experience to resist concentrating too much on physical need and more on friendship. That night taught me that. Amazing how life can come full circle like that.
And if she ever offers again and I'm not taken... I will make it worth her while.
"I can make it worth your while."
We were alone, and the words seemed to reverberate in the air. I stared at her, disbelieving.
It had been her party, and it had been a good one - catching up with old friends, hanging out with current ones, in general having a good time. It was getting late, and the party was given an official end (as opposed to some others which just sort of peter out without proclamation). People got their coats and hats. I went to get mine, but she touched my hand, and whispered in my ear.
"Wait."
She said her goodbyes to people, thanking them for coming. A few asked if I was coming out, and unsure of how to reply, I said I would be following shortly. This seemed to satisfy them. She closed the door behind them after the last one left, and sat on the other side of the couch, facing me.
She said she wanted to be able to enjoy ourselves. I knew just what she meant. We had only been together on one occasion, in the past, and while very pleasant, it had not been overly serious. But now... we were alone, and had no obligations. She reminded me that this would be the last opportunity for... days? Weeks? Months? Years? Forever? This was a turning point in her life, before she went on to hopefully bigger and better things. If there was ever a night I could enjoy myself without reservation for the future, this was it.
Something went through me, a twinge of... what? Caution? Excitement? I wasn't sure. I was free to enjoy myself, as I was under no obligations at the time, had the freedom to enjoy the whole night if I wanted, to any extent I wanted, to the very limits of my private morality. So where was this hesitation coming from? Something... somewhere. I hesitated. "I should probably go."
She leaned slightly forward, staring at me with her deep eyes, and said it.
"I can make it worth your while."
Unbelievable. It was like something out of a book, a movie. She watched me, unblinking, her beautiful hair going down her back as she breathlessly awaited my reply. Clearly she was very serious. I was suddenly very aware of the cut of her dress. She always had been very pretty. Intentionally or not, she was using every ounce of her sexuality now.
How many men - or women - would go through their entire lives without an offer like this? In a scenario tailor-made for one night of enjoyment, to let all inhibitions go and simply enjoy the pure carnality? That one time, in the past, had been semi-spontaneous, a thoroughly enjoyable, if milder, experience. This was laden with much more suggestive promises. A much wilder experience.
Why would I pass that up?
And yet... I thought of Barbara. How sweet, how pure a soul. Of all people, she deserved a friendship first. And yet we both got caught up in the physical aspect - the weaker aspect. Nothing we did was wrong, nothing we did was incorrect... and yet, somehow, I found myself thinking afterwards how I wished our last moments had been on a walk. Or a bench. Or a good conversation.
Why was I thinking of this now?
She put her hand on my thigh. "You can do what you want to."
That also made my head reel. I was being seduced! And not in a bad way - it was obvious she wanted this for herself, and me. She wanted to enjoy one last night. Was that wrong? I in particular react quite favorably to that idea. Why then was I hesitating? That very hesitiation was hurting her. I could see it in her eyes.
But still I thought. We were both silent for what seemed like ages.
With a sudden shock, I knew what the feeling in my stomach was, the confused/excited/sad/intrigued feeling that I couldn't place. Or to be more specific, I still didn't know what it was - but I knew what the last time I felt it had been. That had been in a car with a friend, on the gravel to the side of the street, outside a house at 1:30 AM on a cold October night long, long ago. That night, for better or worse, I had to make a decision. I didn't know it at the time, but it was a life-changing one. How different would my life be if I had chosen the other path? I would never know. But I will never forget that feeling I had in the car that night.
I was now feeling it for the second time.
I told her to wait, that I had to think. For whatever reason, this decision I was about to make was life-changing. This was momentous. And worst of all, there was no wrong answer, no right answer. Just like last time. This wasn't about resisting temptation. Just like last time - just like that cold October night that I have thought about for years and years afterwards - there was no right decision. But last time, the way I chose was wrong. It hurt my friend. I felt that pain for a long time.
So I had to choose right this time. Not make the right decision... but make whatever decision I made in the right way.
And I had it.
"Thank you so much for the offer," I said as sincerely as I could possibly manage. "It is deeply, truly appreciated. You are beautiful, and sexy." I meant every word. To enjoy her would be divine. "But I should probably go."
I got my hat and coat. I gave her a hug, a powerful ending compared to what might have been shared. And I walked out into the cold night. The time had to be around 1:30.
It still hurt her, I know. It is a brave thing, to offer yourself freely like that - and to have that turned down, regardless of the reason, is painful. To her credit, I have not been able to forget about that offer since. Those eyes, that hair... I get chills now. I often wonder what it would have been like, to enjoy a woman like that.
But, to my surprise, I felt happy. That I had the chance to have a night of wild passion... and turned it down, for no more reason than I didn't want to cheapen our friendship. I proved that I could put values above sex, even when it wasn't required. I felt like I had proven my worth. Even though I proved it only to myself. And suddenly, I felt better about Barbara as well, mentally wishing her the best from afar. I felt happy.
And now, years later, I called upon that experience to resist concentrating too much on physical need and more on friendship. That night taught me that. Amazing how life can come full circle like that.
And if she ever offers again and I'm not taken... I will make it worth her while.
posted by Mat | 2:19 PM
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