Distraction
(of the feminine kind)
Bah. Women.
Having been single for quite a while now... let's see here... over 8 months (has it really been that long?) I have forgotten how confusing it could be to be attracted to women. That sounds fantastic, and I am leaving it. But what I mean is that the time I've spent single has been great; I've gotten a chance to have some clarity, to spend some time with friends and just get to know what I would like to be and have as a person.
And fairly against my will, I find myself attracted to another person again.
Sitting at work, at meetings, on the way home, my mind drifts, wondering about situations, possibilities of hanging out, meeting again. Wondering what she's doing, what she's thinking. This despite whatever I want to be concentrating on. Very distracting.
The fact that it's against my will is simultaneously a good and a bad thing. Bad, in the sense that I wasn't planning on getting romantically involved again; I was enjoying my bachelorhood quite nicely after six+ years, thank you... but on the good side, it says a lot that I'm attracted despite my conscious aversion to getting involved. It's the kind of interest you want - one strong enough that it won't be dismissed easily, one that is inviting and yet secretive, that is familiar and has the enticement of places unexplored as well. A very fine line to walk. And we're solidly on the tightrope.
So I'm 17 again. Frustrating, more so because I had enjoyed such a nice, clear time prior this. More than ever I am sure God made two genders strictly for humor purposes (an experiment that has produced fruit in spades). Combined with her sending mixed signals at every opportunity, I have as much clarity as a blindfolded blind man wandering blindly in the pitch black. Blindfolded.
...Hyperbole aside, though, it's really not that bad. I'd like to know what she's thinking - but I'd like the Penguins to challenge for the Stanley Cup this season, and we can't have everything, can we? Small steps. Besides, this is very different from being 17. I am much more sure now; I know much better what I like and what I do not, so when I find myself attracted... I know I like her. I also have much clearer goals and desires. Not perfect - some of the attraction is her ability to shift me like an unsteady boat - but enough that I have a pillar in the storm, something I know won't go away, no matter the outcome.
So I will wait, and go about my day - which she will try and distract me from, no doubt. The thought is refreshing.
On another note, I am happy that I have gotten several large entries off my chest - entries that sometimes took months to write. They were stopping up other blog-worthy entries (my hair, my living situation, my writing) with their sheer size. But now that they're out in the open, I find the blog entries beginning to come with some frequency once more. That's a very good thing. I need to remember more. Once again, I am amazed at change, at situations, at life in general... good to have a blog to remember all the moments.
More simple entries on the way.
Bah. Women.
Having been single for quite a while now... let's see here... over 8 months (has it really been that long?) I have forgotten how confusing it could be to be attracted to women. That sounds fantastic, and I am leaving it. But what I mean is that the time I've spent single has been great; I've gotten a chance to have some clarity, to spend some time with friends and just get to know what I would like to be and have as a person.
And fairly against my will, I find myself attracted to another person again.
Sitting at work, at meetings, on the way home, my mind drifts, wondering about situations, possibilities of hanging out, meeting again. Wondering what she's doing, what she's thinking. This despite whatever I want to be concentrating on. Very distracting.
The fact that it's against my will is simultaneously a good and a bad thing. Bad, in the sense that I wasn't planning on getting romantically involved again; I was enjoying my bachelorhood quite nicely after six+ years, thank you... but on the good side, it says a lot that I'm attracted despite my conscious aversion to getting involved. It's the kind of interest you want - one strong enough that it won't be dismissed easily, one that is inviting and yet secretive, that is familiar and has the enticement of places unexplored as well. A very fine line to walk. And we're solidly on the tightrope.
So I'm 17 again. Frustrating, more so because I had enjoyed such a nice, clear time prior this. More than ever I am sure God made two genders strictly for humor purposes (an experiment that has produced fruit in spades). Combined with her sending mixed signals at every opportunity, I have as much clarity as a blindfolded blind man wandering blindly in the pitch black. Blindfolded.
...Hyperbole aside, though, it's really not that bad. I'd like to know what she's thinking - but I'd like the Penguins to challenge for the Stanley Cup this season, and we can't have everything, can we? Small steps. Besides, this is very different from being 17. I am much more sure now; I know much better what I like and what I do not, so when I find myself attracted... I know I like her. I also have much clearer goals and desires. Not perfect - some of the attraction is her ability to shift me like an unsteady boat - but enough that I have a pillar in the storm, something I know won't go away, no matter the outcome.
So I will wait, and go about my day - which she will try and distract me from, no doubt. The thought is refreshing.
On another note, I am happy that I have gotten several large entries off my chest - entries that sometimes took months to write. They were stopping up other blog-worthy entries (my hair, my living situation, my writing) with their sheer size. But now that they're out in the open, I find the blog entries beginning to come with some frequency once more. That's a very good thing. I need to remember more. Once again, I am amazed at change, at situations, at life in general... good to have a blog to remember all the moments.
More simple entries on the way.
posted by Mat | 3:47 PM
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