The Mat Diet

(how you can lose YOUR unwanted weight in 10 days)

As occasionally happens, this is my second time writing this entry, as the first one went to that great blog in the sky when I tried to publish it. I soldier on. I love this blog.

I just went back and re-read everything I've written since day 1. I don't think many people can understand how happy it makes me to remember. The dinner Julie made I wouldn't remember unless somebody brought it up, but the dinner before that, where we were at Mark Pi's and she was worrying and all that would have been lost to the mists of time. But I read about it and I remember. I remember it. I don't know the words to describe this. But... imagine that your friend would occasionally go, "Remember when we played that game of Burnout 3 and I won?" And you don't answer. You have a vague, hazy recollection, like a shadow of a dream, that might be real. It might be not. You seem to remember that you tied, but you don't seem to remember that it was Burnout 3. In fact, you can't remember the incident at all.
This is on top of all the things - the millions of events, conversations, instances, facts - that you can never remember unless someone reminds you. You grab it like a drowning man thrown a life preserver. You're happy that you remember it - but you realize that you could never remember it on your own. It couldn't happen. Without someone to prompt you for it, you'd never come up with it. And that's the good scenario.
Well, that's heady stuff. But I'm very happy for this blog.

I'm in work today for a half-day. I'm holding up decently. However, everyone has said that I have lost a lot of weight. Everyone. Apparently it's very noticeable. Now, I've usually gone through my life very underweight. Fighting against the combo of my voracious metabolism and my active lifestyle, I spent five years trying to crack the 200 pound barrier when someone of my size (6'7" ) should weigh between 230 and 240 pounds. With my new job requiring me to sit motionless for 8-12 hours a day, I finally tilted the scales at 205... only to have this sickness bring me down to who knows what. I haven't weighed myself, but I've bet I've lost at least 10 pounds.

It would be remiss of me, in the culture that we live in today, to lose weight and not make a ton of money off of it, so I present the Mat Diet!

Step 1: Contract an illness. The more prolonged, the better. Throat diseases that make it impossible to swallow or stomach ailments that cause repeated repulsion of food are extra helpful.
Step 2: Eat half a cup of soup every three days. Water is the only other consumable item allowed.
Step 3: Gradually come out of your illness and you will find out that you have lost weight! Congratuations! I accept cash and check.

I missed so much when I was sick. I had 14 voicemails and countless e-mails. If you contacted me during the last week and a half of hell, I will get back to you! As soon as I can swallow solid food again. Also, if you're ever sick like this, let me give you some advice: "Chicken and Stars Microwaveable Soup At Hand" from Campbell's sucks like a vacuum cleaner from hell set on power level 'Suckathon'. I have no idea what that even means, but trust me, it was the worst chicken noodle soup I've ever eaten.

How I long for the days of a meatball sub and a plate of spaghetti...