Once A Week

(that lasts a year)

It's incredible. Only one week since I blogged last and it feels like two years.
I've started multiple other posts, only not been able to finish them. Luckily I can save them as drafts, so they will be able to get there.
Eventually.
If I ever get a chance to breathe again.
This is Mat, checking in with himself. Hello, hello, testing 1, 2, 3... you are aware that a life that passes by in a rush is never appreciated? That if you're always looking at where you're going you're never looking at where you are?
Take a break. Take a minute. Take a breath.

It's Up To You

(the things you throw away)

A sad blog post, this is.
My posts have been infrequent and far between, and I hate that. But I look back and I'm not sure what I would have done differently to create a more suitable blogging environment. These last days have seen a lot of crazy things happening. There was a massive layoff at my company, with 30+ people in the company leaving. With a workforce in Pittsburgh of less than 200, that is huge. And I made it through by the skin of my teeth... when one of my close coworkers (in the sense of my job description) did not. With a deadline of June 30th as a drop-dead date for the biggest IT project of the year, everyone is going nuts.
The major upheaval - a word that looks wrong no matter how you try and spell it - at my workplace is really taking its toll. I worked a 14 hour day yesterday, not getting back til well after midnight. I will elaborate on the shock of being confronted with my very ugly plan B later. More events have happened.
My aunt is still battling recovery from colon cancer chemotherapy and radiation, and today there appears to be internal complications. She's still in the hospital. The whole scenario, which I've mentioned only briefly to a few people, is pervaded (for me) by a huge dose of unreality. It's like I still haven't begun to grasp that this is happening, that it actually resists in this reality. I can't seem to assimilate it. Mostly I feel extremely detached from the whole thing - not sad, or angry, or even confused. Just sort of distant. And for one of my closest members of my extended family - someone who is so loving, so funny, so sweet, and the owner of probably the best laugh on the planet - I feel I should do better.
But the work in particular is what's driving all of this. Now stripped bare of excuses and given a tidal wave of work to rise above, the next two months will determine whether I keep my job and the view in the company (hopefully) as a naive but tenacious and hungry-to-learn young professional on the rise. The point is I am still here instead of other coworkers because they expect production. And I don't have the track record, experience, leadership, education, or backup plan NOT to deliver.

Hence my lack of writing... my worthless weekends... my infrequent calls to friends... and my lack of blogging.
This weekend seems to be equally filled. Julie and Jess are both coming in, both with birthday plans, Jess with graduation plans on top of that, and with family plans including Mother's Day...

I'm not complaining. I said from the beginning that I wouldn't let being busy keep this blog from going on.
I needed a little time to get my feet. A couple of areas in my life took a left hook to the temple. I'm not on the mat. I'm not getting a standing 8-count. I'm not even leaning against the ropes. But my opponent's a little blurry.