The 2007 Holidays, Part II

(Christmas)

Truth: The anticipation of something is sometimes even better than the actual thing.
Counterpoint: This Christmas.
Once in a while, when I was younger - though not too much younger - I found the actual day of Christmas to be a slight let down when compared with the month preceding it. I think this is because Christmas is so often measured by the very American ideal of 'getting'. "What did you get?" we ask each other on Christmas Day phone calls, as if it was the pinnacle, the culmination of the weeks of waiting and hoping. And for a while, I guess it is - I remember (easily) ripping into my presents, the sheer joy of getting each gift outweighed only by the sheer joy of looking down and realizing that there were more gifts.
And that was Christmas.
I don't know where the change started, but I know when it became acute; last year, at Christmas time. For the first time in my life, I had money to spend, more than I had ever had (by far) to spend on Christmas gifts. And spend I did. I gave everyone nicer gifts, gave gifts to more people, and sometimes gave two or three gifts, when appropriate. And in doing so, a funny thing happened.
I liked it.
I liked it more than getting them. Oh, I still threw a stiff arm to bar off my sisters from getting down the stairs while boxing out my brother (tradition is tradition), but I didn't rip into my gifts and tear them limb from limb. It was a great Christmas from a gift standpoint, I'm sure, but I don't really remember what I got. What I remember was the looks on Mom and Dad's faces when they received their gifts, when Grandmother received hers, how much Mike liked his. how much he said he loved it.
I remember that.
Come this year, I couldn't wait not just to get gifts, but to give them. I looked forward to it more than almost any year before. Strangely, though, the situations were different; this time, I had just made major payments to my student loans, had a car and a rent payment, and had the Waitress get her first full checkup (with four brand-new tires).... all of which ate into my budget. I may have spent approcaching what I did the year before, but it took damn near every cent I had left to pull it off.
And I was proud of that.
I sat, this Christmas day, opening my gifts with uncharacteristic slowness, appreciating not what was left, but what I had in my hands. I thought about the thought that went into each gift, the surprising insight and love that goes into giving a gift to another for no other reason than to express the appreciation another person had for me. And what is that, if not the idea of Christ? "Love one another", Jesus says, "as you would love yourself."
It is a great commandment.

I could list the gifts I received this year, the funny and the serious - a Penguins desk clock, a Shaggy chia pet, a book on the New Zealand locations used for the Lord of the Rings. But more important to me was the thought that went into the gifts - the captain shirt from Dave, for dodgeball; the offense-defense gloves from Nate, for Sunday Morning Football; the writing pen, from my Dad, that records what I scribble electronically.

As I sit here, it is barely the middle of January, and I already long to return the favor.
New Year's resolutions? I want to save my money this year - with my new loan arrangements and better financial flow, it shouldn't be hard - and blow people away with presents. Birthdays. Anniversaries. For no reason at all. The money isn't important; the thought should be, and the work, and I want to be able to do it for everyone.

And when Christmas comes once more, I will be ready.

The 2007 Holidays, Part I

(before Christmas)

Christmas is my favorite time of year.
Some of my friends dislike winter. I'm all right with that. It can be a cold, bitterly dark time of year, one that reeks of discomfort and danger. A time that, like the bears, is better slept through, and only upon the advent of spring should we be reawakened.
But winter is not meant for hard streets, for grey buildings, for uncaring stone. It is made for trees, for wilderness, for forests; icicles hanging off of trees, trails to make through the snowfall, tracks of animals visible in the otherwise pristine white. Snowball fights, sledding, snow forts, winter walks... they are all meant for nature, and their city cousins are weak comparisons at best, dark farces of slush and ice at worst. Winter should be enjoyed in the woods.
Or, barring that, at least the suburbs, with a nearby park to approximate.

Winter - and when I think of it, I always think of Christmas - came fast on me this year. But for all the rush towards the day, the last few before it were the slowest days of all. And I loved it, because I went to my family's house, and lived.
We got a tree that was far too tall for our ceiling (tradition). Upon putting it up, we scraped the ceiling (tradition), Mom said it would never fit (tradition) and we had to saw and wedge and fight for thirty minutes to get it to work in the living room, all the while Mom shaking her head and retiring to cook in the kitchen (tradition).
I wouldn't have it any other way.
The house looked the most beautiful it has ever been, like a palace that has had another level added onto it every year, so that now, twenty-five or so years in, the place is absolutely amazing. The collection of ornaments has grown very slowly over the last ten years, but it is still enough to pull a tree down by sheer weight. The nativity scene has everyone imaginable in it. Mom's crystal snowflakes, once two solo shards, have grown year by year, and now cover the entire breadth of the bay window. Grace's Christmas houses and town, once a one-house village with a dog, has grown year by year, and is now a legitimate town, replete with whole families, a barber shop, a garage, a fire station, sled riders, and a working train. Every tradition is there, maybe not growing in physical appearance but in meaning and ambience: the wreaths are over the mantle. The garlands wind their way up our staircase. Manehim Steamroller plays nearly 24/7 on our CD player. And the "No Peeking" pillow rests comfortably in its position on the red chair.
After church, Mom hands out the ornaments, sometimes calling for a specific kid if an ormanent is meant for them, or meant to be hung by them. The kids discuss where to put the ornaments with the intricacy of spiders weaving a grand web, Emmie often chastising decisions that place ornaments too close together. I hang my train, my Mario Lemieux 66, and my purple ornament. We save the star for last, and Dad puts it on top of the tree with the help of a chair and Mom telling Dad that it's leaning badly. The star shines. It is perfect.
Mom is in one of her Christmas pajama outfits. Dad is wearing a ridiculous antlers band or Santa hat. He reads "The Night Before Christmas" to us, just like Granddad did when he was here. A tradition meant for kids, but somehow, it has survived every year since, and no Calland rolls their eyes or is impatient for the story to finish. Mike is 5 again, and Grace is 7; Rosie, 8, and Emmie, 10; and I am 12, and we are listening to Dad tell us how Santa will come the next morning.
Some things are different, I suppose. I now have an annual reading of the Miscellaneous Book of Fun version of the "Night Before Christmas", and Dad and Mom laugh even harder than my siblings. It is my fifth year reading it, and somehow, it doesn't seem to get boring. It just gets better.
We all go to bed, Christmas morning beckoning. I don't know what my siblings think, but I think about the season, and love, and family. And suddenly, I realize that I miss Chautauqua. It is cold here in Pittsburgh, and there is frost, but no snow; global warming (whatever the cause) has made four of the last five Christmases less than white. But I think of the beatiful paths through the trees, and the endless forest behind Chautauqua, and the promise of the fallen snow, a white canvas sent from Mother Nature herself, to witness the beauty of her drawing and, perhaps, make a small addition to it. And I think, I miss it - but I would trade it for this.
Winter is meant for the woods.
But Christmas is meant for the family.
Until the morning.

It's Up To You

(the things you throw away)

A sad blog post, this is.
My posts have been infrequent and far between, and I hate that. But I look back and I'm not sure what I would have done differently to create a more suitable blogging environment. These last days have seen a lot of crazy things happening. There was a massive layoff at my company, with 30+ people in the company leaving. With a workforce in Pittsburgh of less than 200, that is huge. And I made it through by the skin of my teeth... when one of my close coworkers (in the sense of my job description) did not. With a deadline of June 30th as a drop-dead date for the biggest IT project of the year, everyone is going nuts.
The major upheaval - a word that looks wrong no matter how you try and spell it - at my workplace is really taking its toll. I worked a 14 hour day yesterday, not getting back til well after midnight. I will elaborate on the shock of being confronted with my very ugly plan B later. More events have happened.
My aunt is still battling recovery from colon cancer chemotherapy and radiation, and today there appears to be internal complications. She's still in the hospital. The whole scenario, which I've mentioned only briefly to a few people, is pervaded (for me) by a huge dose of unreality. It's like I still haven't begun to grasp that this is happening, that it actually resists in this reality. I can't seem to assimilate it. Mostly I feel extremely detached from the whole thing - not sad, or angry, or even confused. Just sort of distant. And for one of my closest members of my extended family - someone who is so loving, so funny, so sweet, and the owner of probably the best laugh on the planet - I feel I should do better.
But the work in particular is what's driving all of this. Now stripped bare of excuses and given a tidal wave of work to rise above, the next two months will determine whether I keep my job and the view in the company (hopefully) as a naive but tenacious and hungry-to-learn young professional on the rise. The point is I am still here instead of other coworkers because they expect production. And I don't have the track record, experience, leadership, education, or backup plan NOT to deliver.

Hence my lack of writing... my worthless weekends... my infrequent calls to friends... and my lack of blogging.
This weekend seems to be equally filled. Julie and Jess are both coming in, both with birthday plans, Jess with graduation plans on top of that, and with family plans including Mother's Day...

I'm not complaining. I said from the beginning that I wouldn't let being busy keep this blog from going on.
I needed a little time to get my feet. A couple of areas in my life took a left hook to the temple. I'm not on the mat. I'm not getting a standing 8-count. I'm not even leaning against the ropes. But my opponent's a little blurry.

Women Were Nice Before Men Were Like, 'Garrrr'

('I am the penis')

This quote from Martin (which sent me into tears) is just one of the many great things that happened over this weekend blog break.

I ate dinner with Martin at Eat N' Park Friday night and had one of the great conversations of my life. It was about the nature of faith, the existence of God, and the roles of religion. And I can honestly say, for 20 minutes, I was okay. Okay with life, with dying, with reality. Really, truly, okay.
It's something everyone should feel once in their life.

I also got to eat dinner with Martin and Luke at once late on Saturday, which turned into a Burnout 3 tournament in my apartment that ended at 5 AM. What total insanity. It was an absolute blast, however, and it was great getting the chance to see Luke again. We related to so many things - to Final Fantasy, to video games, to classes, and to Family Guy. Woo! What a blast.

Then on Sunday, I ate lunch with my cousin Claire and her boyfriend Josh, which was an incredible amount of fun again. As I've said many times, I have the greatest family in the world, nuclear and extended. Claire is one of those insanely cool people that really is just short of being too cool for their own good. She sings in a band, has a degree in teaching and music and isn't going to work in either, loves the Terminator trilogy to death and is as energetic and naturally happy as I am (granted, we're half the same blood). She answered her cell phone in the restaurant and I harrassed her about it mercilessly, which was also a blast. And to top it all off, it was the Olive Garden. Breadsticks. Mmmmmmmm.
And to continue the family vibe, Mike came over and we hung out for a few hours. I think it's a real blast to get to see him because he's growing up to be a really good guy. It even looks like his grades - he has nothing lower than a B - are coming up, which is great as he has all the ability in the world but tends to slack off a bit academically because of it. (Like I don't know what that is like.) If he keeps working hard in school, he's going to be well on his way to putting it all together. And we had a blast, playing FF9, going for a walk around the complex and stopping at McDonalds on the way back. It was a ton of fun. We're also close to beating FF9 - we're in Memoria - so he's excited to see the ending. So am I. It's a great game.

I continue to try and write to get chapters out to friends. I now owe Martin Ch.1 and Margaret Ch.2. A call from Julie, who's at a teacher conference for two days, really cut into my available time, something I was less than happy about. Ah well. I am encouraged to write profusely, something I'll be doing when I finally get out of work tonight.

Still, in general, a great weekend. My medication is really helping, the weather is better, and I'm healthy and active again for the first time in too long. Dodgeball doubleheader tomorrow. Life is good! At least for today... and since today is all you can control, I'll take it!
And I'll take tomorrow when it comes. :)

Merry Christmas To All

(and to all, a hot sausage)

Well, I'm back from family time. Now, this is a blog break I can understand. I wasn't even at my apartment for three days, and my aunts and cousins and grandmother were here with the rest of my family, enjoying the great holiday. So a good gap in the blog, one that was expected.

Besides, after the last entry, I needed one! Man, just re-reading that thing makes me remember how vivid that dream was. I'm pretty sure I scared some people, which is never my intent but seems to happen anyway. (Now there's a life metaphor.) Why can't I ever have a dream where all I would write would be, "There was a duck. The duck went into the water. The duck quacked. The end." I'd take that.

Got to see the Steelers kick some ass this week. I hate Baltimore more than any other team - they are the old Browns, and the recent history is just as unpretty as the old. So beating them 20-7 was absolutely fantastic... especially when the win wrapped up the AFC home field advantage throughout the playoffs while basically knocking the Ravens out of the playoffs. 14-1.... GO STILLERS!

I didn't see Martin tonight because he and Jessie are, well, going to Vegas. Just like that. No warning. The conversation was basically like, "Mat, can't meet, I'm going to Vegas!" "Um... ok... good luck?" That's it. I'll have to call Margaret and come up with a different time to meet. This is going to throw my plans awry because I have so many people coming in between Dec.25 and Jan.10, but I'll meet with them somehow.

My family gift this year - which my Mom got without my Dad's knowledge - is a Lord of the Rings pinball machine. This is simply the coolest thing in the world and the most fun pinball game I've ever played. It's wonderfully intricate and all the voices are the real voices of the actors. A lot of the quotes are right from the movie (and there are a LOT), as is all the music, but there are some new ones. For example, when collecting souls from The Path of the Dead to light the Return of the King Multiball, Gimli constantly says things like "500 more!" and "250 more!". My ultimate favorite so far is when you start the Gandalf vs. Saruman quest, which shows Saruman closing the doors around Gandalf. Then Gandalf says, "When did Saruman the Wise abandon reason for madness?" in that great tone. Completely, utterly fun.
Aside from that, I also received DVD's like Dodgeball and Hero; unexpected things like a Texas Hold Em strategy book and a fine chess set; and boring-but-useful items like clothes and pots and pans. Admittedly, having only one pot in the entire apartment can be problematic.
My ultimate gift was a 10-game ticket plan to the Pittsburgh Penguins! Yes!!! That will be awesome..... if they ever play. It looks more and more like a gift for 2005. I'd still rather have them really fix the game, no matter what it takes, but when the Steelers are done - and they hopefully won't be till Feb. 6th, but they will end sometime - it will be a long, dark winter and spring until I'm rescued by - fake cheer - baseball. Enjoy the present, Pittsburgh sports fans, the future looks grim.

But all in all, this Christmas was great. I love seeing my brothers and sisters. Hanging the ornaments, reading the Night Before Christmas, followed by the Miscellaneous Book of Fun's Night Before Christmas written by Rosie, Grace, and Mike, featuring tear-inducing lyrics like:

When above on the roof there arose such a clatter
Mat didn't move from his bed, he couldn't care what was the matter
Away to the window Mat crawled like some trash
Threw up the window, and said, 'What the squeege is a sash?'

Now if THAT isn't Christmas, I don't know what is.

Julie should be in tonight, kicking off my "Everyone in the world visits me" run. Simultaneously, I have to mail out some gifts to people who live in far away lands - like California - now that I'm back and have access to a working post office. And all this while I try to write my story and still work.

But the Blog must go on...

The Reindeer Used To Laugh And Call Him Names

(then Rudolph grabbed the shotgun)

I was on the phone so much last night. I had some absolutely wonderful conversations. I’m pretty sure my life is more confusing in some aspects than it’s ever been – particularly the women aspect - but at least I’m not totally wandering throughout the dark without a plan. I’m fully committed to doing anything that will further advance my own understanding of myself and what I want to do with my future. So I guess its more like walking through the dark with a semi-dim flashlight and a non-functional compass. But hey, we’ll see where it ends up…

2 people left me IM’s the other day that really surprised me. One was Anna, a friend from high school that I’ve talked to approximately 4 times in 5 years. The times she’s talked to me have always been bizarre, to say the least. Not in the conversation, but her prompting to talk. It’s always seemed strange. But just yesterday, she sent me an IM wishing I felt better. A singularly nice and unusual gesture.
Then Marla, another friend from high school who I haven’t talked to in years, sent me a link to her writing. Let me tell you, this girl can write. She was one of the three best writers I’ve known in the last five years. What prompted her to include me in this is beyond me, but I am very thankful.
So in summation, two IM’s from people I hadn’t talked to in forever with very nice messages! Any day that happens is a great day.

Today my muse is making some interesting points about my story and she (as usual) is distracting me from work. It’s amazing what looking objectively at your writing will do. I have two separate characters in my story that really have the same personality, the same situation, one dies and the other is introduced… and looking at this, I suddenly realize that what I’m unconsciously doing is bringing that character back to life. They need to be the same person! And as soon as I had that revelation things are really falling into place. What madness!

I’m also working on my Christmas shopping, which, to me, is always a fun, interesting challenge. I shop so rarely that to me, shopping is a new experience, and I don’t get worn down by what other people see as a hectic buying frenzy. I love Christmas, everything about it. I was sitting in my family room, with the tree (lights but no ornaments; family hanging of ornaments is this Sunday), the snow globes, Grace’s small miniature town with working railroad, the glass snowflakes hanging over the windows… it’s great being home. I’m lucky to have such a tight family.
Blessings to all who are not as fortunate in this life. May they be that much more blessed in the next.